Some Kinda Kook
by Wr3n
Summary: Commander Shepard is being prodded over her cup of coffee. Things are not quite as they seem, so she finishes the conversation quickly & truthfully. *OnEsHoT*


"What's happened, Shepard?" asked Miranda, sounding blunt, and pointedly concerned.

Commander Shepard shook her head with a derisive, half-smile gracing her tired features. In one hand she nursed a cup of hot coffee, while the other rubbed roughly at her sleep-swollen eyes. "I dunno," she whispered, still half-smiling at herself. She laughed hollowly, then letting her face alone, she looked away distantly, helplessly shaking her head once more.

Miranda frowned deeply at her hushed, subdued commander from across the length of the mess-hall table. "I think we both know this isn't to be taken lightly anymore, Commander," she intoned clearly, but quietly, "Dr. Chakwas handing out sedatives every night to a commanding officer, the Yeoman having to visit your quarters two or three times a week, you shutting yourself away from the crew…" Miranda scowled, "Shepard, we have to address all this, and not just for the bloody crew's sake," she muttered hotly, "but for yourself. You do know whatever is going on has gotten out of hand, don't you Commander?" Miranda gazed at the deflated, exhausted woman before her keenly.

Commander Shepard, remaining quieted for a moment, lifted her cup of steaming coffee and took a sip.

Miranda sighed frustratingly, she pursed her lips and folded her hands together. "Shepard," she whispered powerlessly, "I'm your Second in Command, I'm your friend…can't you at least try to talk to me? I want to help you." Miranda had, unknowingly leaned a little closer, out over the gleaming tabletop, and she stayed how she was after, staring into her commander's face worriedly.

Commander Shepard sighed, a deep and long, exasperated sigh. Reaching into her Cerberus synth-cotton robe, she fished out two light blue pills, and placed them on the table, as though that were her answer. Commander Shepard shook her head, she smiled deprecatingly. "I'm getting too old for all this," she mumbled, she stared askance at nothing, refusing to meet Miranda's steely blue eyes, "Everyone keeps saying they want 'to help me' like I'm some kind of kook." Commander Shepard shook her head and sipped tentatively at her coffee.

Miranda's worry grew into a look of slight confusion, then anger. "You haven't taken the sedatives," she mumbled reprovingly, her eyes flicking to look down at the pills quivering on the tabletop.

Shepard shook her head, her hand steadily lifting up her cup all the while. "I never do," she murmured, her voice echoing slightly within her coffee cup, "They give me headaches." She supped at her coffee, then swallowed.

Miranda shook her own head incredulously. "And the Yeoman?" she demanded, chasing her sudden realisation and curiosity.

Commander Shepard bit at her lip, looking idly pensive, as her fingers played with the handle of her cup. "That's EDI's doing," she replied quietly, "I just let Kelly talk or sit around on my couch until I fall asleep. Then she leaves."

Miranda, mouth slightly agape, simply stared at her commander for a good, long moment. Then, shutting closed her mouth she shook her head again, with a look about her saying as though she ought to have known better. "But you still haven't answered my first question," she reminded apprehensively, "What happened to start all of this, Shepard?"

Commander Shepard drearily laid her heavy head in her hand. Uncaringly, she rubbed at her grim, wearied face a little. "Alchera," she mumbled quietly, "Alchera's what happened, Lawson." Shepard sighed shortly, then lifting her head, she hefted her cup and took a rather deep, slow drink of her hot coffee.

Miranda fought back her sudden twinge of knowingness. She nodded almost instantly, and looked down sheepishly at her folded hands. "I understand," she whispered, remembering how only two standard weeks ago, Shepard had gone down to the surface of Alchera, and forbidden anyone from coming with her. Miranda's eyes darted while she calmly confirmed that she had guessed as much.

Commander Shepard cocked her head a little, while she looked over at her silenced, pondering Second in Command. "I never wanted to go there, Lawson," she said plainly, "I knew exactly what would start to happen if I did, but the Alliance asked me to. And I…" Shepard huffed at herself and looked away irritably. Her one free hand slowly curled into a tight fist, then she bit at her lip for a moment, "And," she reiterated bleakly, "I had to - to pay my respects to all those servicemen that died just like I did...I thought setting up a monument and recovering their tags was the least I could do to..." Shepard suddenly shook her head, she decidedly grew quiet and closed up her mouth. She stared away again.

Miranda's eyes slowly rose, she looked at her faltering, completely uncomfortable commander, respectfully understanding. "Cerberus," she whispered, "We gave - You have Survivor's Guilt?" she said quietly, discernibly, vaguely shocked.

But Shepard shook her head emphatically at her Second's quiet words. "No," she denied coolly, "I have nightmares, Lawson. I did after Akuze, I did after watching Saren shoot himself in the head, I did when I suffocated to death after the first Collector attack, and I do now," she stated frankly, "This is how I cope, Lawson. It's how I'll always cope. After seeing the graveyard of a planet, scattered with the remains of everything I knew from the SR1, you bet your ass I'm going to lose sleep over it." Commander Shepard took in a deep, shuddering breath. She shook her head while her one fisted hand began to grow somewhat white-knuckled. "I've lived with all my own baggage for years, and I will never water it down," Shepard muttered quietly, "What's crazy is how people are making such a big deal out of it…" Shepard took in another quick restorative breath, then lifted her coffee cup back up to her lips. "I'm not the one being kooky 'round here, that's for damn sure," she grumbled inside of her coffee cup, "Sedatives and psych-sessions…gimme a break," she scoffed, before taking a drink of her coffee.

Miranda, despite herself and the relative gravity of the whole situation, smiled. "Why didn't you want to tell me this, Commander?" she asked lightly, sincerely inquisitive.

Commander Shepard slowly, decidedly then stood up from the table. "Because," she muttered, glancing away, "It really started with EDI telling me I was having a - uh…"

"A what?" Miranda urged with a cocked, dark eyebrow.

"Well," Commander Shepard digressed, "A panic-attack…which was a newer development." Commander Shepard shook her head at herself, and smiled deprecatingly, one more time. She shrugged her limp shoulders. "Like I said, Lawson, I'm getting too old for all this."

Miranda smiled crookedly, even though she truly felt more worry than mirth. "You should stop saying that, Commander. You're not that old," she replied blithely.

Commander Shepard laughed flatly, crossing around the length of the table, she came to her Second in Command's side and unexpectedly placed her arm over Miranda's shoulders. Shepard tenderly, appreciatively hugged Miranda close with one hand. "Thanks for caring, kiddo," she whispered, "But I am alright."

Miranda smiled shyly, a little awkwardly, as her Commanding Officer embraced her freely. Though feeling unexpectedly obliged, she reached up and affectionately squeezed at her commander's arm. "Well, you still are hiding away in your quarters, Shepard," she said curtly, "That still has to be considered…"

Shepard laughed. "I am not hiding," she droned wearily, "I've just been in contact with Liara a lot lately. I had to tell her how much I appreciated what she did, and what she went through, just to recover my body…we've been having good talks together. And my mother," Shepard cried dully, "She thinks I'm turning into a kook, she won't stop calling me every day…"

Miranda chuckled lightly. She patted at her commander's arm. "Alright," she acquiesced languorously, "I won't ask any more questions, Commander," she assured, "It seems like everything checks out."

Commander Shepard jostled Miranda with one last, amiable squeeze. "Good," she murmured, stepping a little away, "Glad I'm not nuts, Lawson?" she asked sarcastically.

Miranda grinned. "Very," she blurted out, "You had me really worried there, Commander." Honestly, but casually, she added, "If you promise you won't leave me in the dark like this ever again," she offered darkly, "I'll get EDI and Chambers off of your back this very morning…"

Shepard nodded. "Deal," she replied, and with a fatigued smile, she began to pace her way past Miranda.

Miranda turned in her seat though, and called after her commander's quickly retreating form. "Shepard?" she wondered, "What do you do with all the sedatives you don't take?"

Commander Shepard stopped in her tracks. She turned back round, and regarded her beautiful, curious Second, with a signature crooked smile. "I have a whole drawer full of them…you want some?"


End file.
